Christmas is aggressively marketed as a season of happiness. Every year one is supposed to be filled with holiday cheer and have the best Christmas ever, even though that is actually impossible. Because of this, what it often really does is remind people of other, happier Christmases they had in the past. Or, more often, it reminds people of how not full of holiday cheer they are. And it scolds you for feeling that way.
There are two versions of this song. The other one, titled Music Box Blues, seems to be more popular, and is a pleading and soulful rendition originally sung by now-deceased former Trans-Siberian Orchestra vocalist Daryl Pediford. But I chose this version, sung by Katrina Chester, because it has a more resigned, almost defeated tone. And that's where I am now, dealing with the fact that some things probably cannot be fixed, no matter how hard you might try. I don't want to use the phrase "irretrievable broken", but I fear that there are relationships between me and two people that I care about quite a bit for whom I might have to say exactly that. Even now, I keep trying to think of ways to repair the damage that has been done, and yet I know that it likely isn't possible.
This is not going to be a Christmas full of happy cheer for me. And probably not for them. I don't regret many things that brought me to where I am now, but I do regret my ever deteriorating connection with them. I'm almost out of hope, but I'll leave a candle burning in the window and live on memories.
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